Release


Have you ever been so determined in your choices during life that when things get rough or tough you work harder ? You just don’t think of anything other than the life you’ve always known, loved, lived, and worked for. For me, this has been almost 54 years now.

That’s right, more then half a century down the proverbial road of life. I can certainly say that my road has been pretty hairy! Born into an average working family back in the 1960’s and brought up with the “Stiff upper lip” philosophy, there wasn’t much room for any moaning or groaning. Like my Dad would say often enough, “ shit or get off the pot”! Can’t get better encouragement then that😉.

With my “can do” attitude I set through my life journey under my control & certainly under my desires & wants. I did not have to rely on anyone, didn’t need to, because I had it ALL under control. Pursuing my chartered path to do the best always in all that I undertook; even remembering in grade 6 how I was so upset and was quite indignified when I handed in a school project on time {remember I said “Can do”?}, just to find out others had not been able to complete their projects so the teacher wouldn’t mark it! I was gobsmacked at 10 years old. Thankfully, that pattern did not continue further in my education pathway. So, I set my sights on not only getting my grade 12, but then carrying on to College and/or University. And that is just what I did! That “can do” attitude coupled, with the now well entrenched idea, that I could achieve anything if I wanted.

No matter what life through at me, I just kept on, asking no one for help or a shoulder to lean on. My life was my own, and it was MY destiny, power, determination, experience, and hard nosed ness that perpetuated and propelled me down my life road. Sure, I believed in a being greater than myself: God.

Somehow, God didn’t really factor in to my life. Sure I’d talk to him on Sundays, I’d sing songs of praise, I’d teach Sunday school, read scriptures at church, joined various church groups; even the alter guild! Never missed a Sunday growing up, because my dad was the minister for many years until he not only fell off the wagon, he jumped, rolled, he danced off that damn wagon. Before that? Dear ol’ mom was the driving force and role model when it came to living a Christian life.

TRUTH

It hasn’t been until the last year or so that my childhood mentoring became a force or a self-repeating mantra where I now feel a connection with that elusive being of higher power; God. It is true that no one needs a higher power until life through some rocks or boulders your way. I started this obstacle course when I was 26 years old. I just gave birth to my “prayers came true” baby girl who was perfect! Next? Well kidney disease of course; 27 years of this life journey. This is where life got real rocky: my health slowly went down the toilet until I needed the next step. I was blessed to get a transplant kidney before being subjected to any form of dialysis. Then, 20 years later, that blessing started to go: I prayed to God that if he would allow me to make it to not only my only daughter’s graduation(s), and then make it to her bridal shower , then the BIG day, my daughter’s wedding to her soul mate, then He could have his way with me.

You have to understand, that at this point I saw the wisdom in all the boulders and rocks that I’d managed to dodge. After all, it was God’s plan for ME that had happened. I am told that all good things come to those that pray and have faith in the Lord. I was beginning to see and feel this. When I was battling a deadly pneumonia in December, I found myself in the hospital chapel talking, singing, raging, and begging/bargaining with God. This was very personal and cathartic. I felt enourmous stress and pressure lifted. This had happened one other time in my past with the same result; that of utter peace.

Now, just these last weeks I was again tested by some new boulders as well as some fire as I had to face one of my worst fears; having a central line put in and having to start hemodialysis. It wasn’t just that, it was also having to have surgery to remove my peritoneal catheter and then put a second in. It was a long day on March 1st. The good news? With the support of friends, family, and God, I `made it through😁. Of course my human desires, fears, anxieties, and apprehensions rose far above the voice of God. With help from good friends, I was able to rise above the clatter of fear and anxiety and find myself in a calm and peaceful state going into my surgery as well as my first hemodialysis treatment.

THE RELEASE

To be able to release your negative emotions like letting go of a tug of war rope, gives such a huge blessing! Not only does your stress, anxieties, and fears fly away like a hot air balloon that’s too hot, but it leaves your soul and spirit refreshed like the juices of a fresh cut lemon; just oozing out and nourishing, crisp.

Well, if nothing else, I have learned to really appreciate the saying, “ah but for the grace of God, go I”. Even though I have lived a half century not grasping this concept, I am truly BEGINNING to understand the Christian life: what it is, what it offers, what it means for your heart, soul, spirit and most importantly, for my family and friends.