No man’s land, aka limbo
Recently I had the opportunity to be in “limbo” medically speaking. If I back this up a bit maybe you will understand the video above.
I have been LIVING with CKD (chronic kidney disease) for 26 years, recently I have been questioning, as many do as they age and are chronically ill, what is life all about? Is this really it? Yes, the big rut, you know; work hard, get educated, get those pieces of papers to justify the acceptance of “good life” of meaningful work, play, “enjoying the good things in life”. Well, I did that up right! Here I sit with a Master’s of Nursing, numerous other bits of intel/knowledge & wisdom garnered over my many years of nursing, continued learning, striving to be the best for my patients.
Imagine the REALITY check, this woman of 50 years plus gets when all of a sudden it is HER that is no longer in control, no longer making the correct medical/nursing decisions to ensure best of care! Her whole world of degrees, accomplishments, status, knowledge, and identity and sense of “self” is reduced to a state of “limbo”! I was now a body in one of many ER beds in need of a lot of care so I didn’t progress from limbo into the everlasting black hole.
I had no choice, but to lay there totally vulnerable and at the hands of those “experts” of which I am. Total resignation, putting all my trust in these people that have worked as hard as myself and harder…I hope, as they are specialists of many. That was the pure physical and medical aspect of me, but here is also where a bigger battle started as well: the resignation of my faith in God and being able to totally “let go” and to be laid out at God’s feet totally trusting, vulnerable, and in HIS limbo. This “limbo” is where the greatest growth, strength, trust, relief, peacefulness came from.
It is quite the experience to finally give yourself “permission” to totally resign your life, your ambitions, your burdens, anxieties, fears, and the rest of these worldly concerns and KNOW that you are in great hands. In reflection, this total resignation, allows the body to heal faster and allows great things to happen: medically, emotionally, and certainly spiritually. I am a Christian, this is evident. For me, this works. In this time of reflection, continued healing and seeking out of my “purpose for living” as the video discussed in the start of this blog, I believe my life must have some greater purpose then what I have been doing til present. I have been through so many medical and emotional “tests” if you will, that there must be a greater purpose for me. So, I guess limbo will have to wait…