Have you ever found yourself wander through a mall? You don’t have a list, you don’t need or want anything but you go because you’re restless, at loose ends, bored perhaps? You want to feel like you part of society or at least still able to feel the vibes of life and soak that up a bit. so you go the mall and start to wander and ponder. You wander up and down, stopping here and there when something catches your eye or you’re just curious. There is no agenda, there are no thoughts or concrete decisions: just wandering to see if you can find some sort of deal or “treasure”. Then, there comes a point when you are just not interested in continuing to comb the mall. Your legs are tired, the feet are sore, and now you just have this need to get the hell out and go home, but then you discover you are far from the exit you came in are now have to look for the closest directory, just to find you are the opposite end of where you want to be….more walking. I just want to go home, it was fun while it lasted.
No, I haven’t been to the mall lately, but I do however feel like I am wandering: searching for something that I can’t quite find. Let me fill you in a bit. I recently went to a class to find out more information about “kidney choices, aka, hemo or peritoneal dialysis”. They give a good info session, but they can’t answer the real “nitty gritty” of living with either of the choices. Whichever you chose, this is it: that’s what you do EVERY DAY of your life for the rest of your life or until you either die or get transplanted. Of course, there are pro’s and con’s to each. It boils down to do you want to live or die? You wanna live? Great! You will need an operation any which way you go. There is less pain with PD as at least you don’t have to “needle” yourself daily and you just end up with a big tummy, a little “hose” hanging our of your abdomen (no more bikini days….AND this mean more mall walking because none of my clothes with fit), the chance of organ prolapse because I’m female, menopausal, etc. and lastly, at risk for peritonitis. If that’s not up your alley, or for some reason you can’t have PD, there is hemodialysis. Yes, it has come a long way since the first “run”, but you still have to “needle” every day, which means chances of infection, having your home modified for the machine and the water supply.
The unknown is a scarey a place. I am wandering in unknown territory for me. Being a RN is not helping. You may think that strange, but because of my training, experience and knowledge, I tend to remove the emotional side of all of this until I can’t bear it any longer: like today. The impending changes are just too much to wrap my emotions and life around. How will I FEEL?? Will I still be able to work? What will my quality of life be like?? Will I feel like walking like I do now, going to the gym? I already know my diet is going to not be so great ( All I can think of is applesauce and more applesauce). There are too many unknowns and the change is going to be huge. I’m sure I’ll get through as many have done, but at what cost? I already have days when I’d rather just curl up and have nothing to do with anything/anyone or time when I just want to be sedated so I can sleep without having to be up, worry, have cramps, have other issues that keep me from sleeping well. No, I am not suicidal. Just very tired of dealing with this thing we call “life”.
Yesterday was not a good day, having heard some sad news from a friend just seemed to tip my emotional “put togetherness” off. It was really difficult to get through my day at work to the point where I just had to get outside for a walk. Then when I finally got home I drove into my garage and sat in the car a bawled. I had just so much pent up emotions and energy that that purgative bawling was good. Then I was able to put my shorts on and some runners and go for a long walk until my legs were going to give out. This is what I needed. A good cry and some sunshine and fitness. I think today will be better.